The Truth

You know that famous quote from that movie with Jack Nicholson, “You can’t handle the truth”?

I can handle the truth.

I can face the truth.

I know what the truth is.

I know what I want.

The truth is, is that I can talk about “Mr This” and “Mr That” and about all that.

The truth is, is that I wan’t “Mr Right”.  Mr. “Right For Me”. to be more specific.

I want a man who can handle me.  I want a man who can love me.  I want a man, who, in spite of all my idiosynchrosies, can tell me, that he still wants me.  I want him to say, “Yes, you are freaking out.  Yes, it’s okay, I do love you for being that passionate about your feelings”  I want him to tell me not that “it’s going to be alright”, but to go through it with me.

I want someone who is involved in the community, more specifically, to be involved in coaching.  Someone who KNOWS what it’s like to feel that.  To feel the passion for it, as I do, being involved like that.

Someone who likes and accepts my friends and doesn’t judge them.  Someone who I feel comfortable with bring around to my friends.  I have always wanted my friends to be a big part of my life.  Someone who my friends like, and enjoy being around.

And another most important thing, I want a man who will love my children as I do.  Someone who accepts them as I do.  Someone who it not looking to replace their father (as the do love their father), but rather wanting to be a part of our lives and be a part of our family.  Someone where my children can see what a loving, giving “father figure” should be.  Someone who wants to come watch them play sports, or come watch them in their plays or activities.

Someone once told me that I am a provider for everyone but that I do want to be provided for.  That is very true.  I do want that.  I enjoy my independence and being “ME”, but I want someone who loves me for that, and wants to be a partner with me.  To be “BESIDE” me, rather than leading me or following me.

I want that best friend.  I want that lover.  I want it all.  I want everything.

I see that in some parts of Mr. This and Mr. That, but I wonder if I will ever find Mr. Right.

Underworld Temptation

Mr. 9 just broke up with his girlfriend.

Mr. 9 is available now.

Mr. 9 is someone who pops in my head every so often.

Why can’t I get Mr. 9 out of my thoughts?

Is it just because of that tempting underworld that he draws me into?

Or is it more?

Another Twist to add to the Mix

So just when I thought things were “status quo”, and things were going to be a certain way, life throws another curve ball.

I went to see the one guy I’ve been seeing for a while now.  Not my 9 1/2 weeks guy, but Mr. S, that’s what I’m going to call him to clarify.

So Mr. S  is SO nice and sweet and cute and great and all, but I never thought that anything was really going to come of it.

And I still don’t know if something WILL come out of it.

But this I DO know.  Mr. S, says it’s more than just sex to him.

Dang……

Of course this is what I was hoping for, jut never pushed anything about it.

I told him from the start, I have no expectations.

Now, as to what that phrase EXACTLY entails?  I don’t now.

But I do know he likes me.

And I like him.

And things seem fine just the way they are.

He likes me for me.  He lets me be me.  He has a life he is living.  And I have a life I am living.   And right now?  For that part, I feel at peace.  No worries, you know?

So now, what to do about Mr. 9 1/2 weeks?  (Let’s call him Mr. 9 from now on).

That deep, dark down world of uninhibitions is still there.

But I want to focus on Mr. S.    And I don’t want to hurt Mr. S.  And I like taking it slow with Mr. S.

There are pros and cons to both Mr. S and Mr. 9.

Why can’t I just roll them all up into one guy?

I think I know what I need to do.  I need to let Mr. 9 know that I can’t be his “fuck buddy”.     I don’t want to hurt Mr. S.   Now, granted, there is always that chance that I could pull it off and continue with both Mr. S and Mr. 9 and none would be the wiser, but really, do I NEED that in my life right now?  No, not so much.  Mr. 9 is going to have to stay as Mr. “Friend 9″.  Besides, he is going through a lot and I, honestly, just don’t want to be involved in all that,  I don’t want to be involved with someone, other than a friend, who is having some major emotional issues he is dealing with.

Oh, and then there is Mr. C.    The one who I’ve liked for so long.  The one who, as for now, are “just friends”.  The one who I am SOOOOO comfortable with.  The one who makes me laugh.  The one who I think could be the one.

Well, life sure isn’t dull, that’s for damn sure.

I just need to make sure I keep on the right path.   Where that is?  I haven’t a clue right now, but as long as I know what’s important to me, that will help me along my journey.

But damn, that underworld gets tempting……….

Torn Between 2 or more

I have not been on here in a while.  Not because I haven’t had anything to write about, but because sometimes there is TOO much going on.

So many stories to tell, so many things to have happened.  I will write about them soon.

Right now I’m writing about the present.

I have been seeing/hanging out with someone for the past 4 months.

I like him, I really do.  He’s fun to hang out with and ummm……well, you know.

Another man came back in to my life last month.

This one I had been having fun with for about 3 months last year.  I called him my 9 1/2 weeks guy.  Because I knew it wasn’t going to last.  It was a relationship where I could be completely open.  Uninhibited in every single way.  Express my feelings and state things I could never express before.  Totally raw.

It was something I needed then.  Something I needed in my life to help me get through my emotions and feelings I was going through.

And then it abruptly ended.  I wasn’t prepared for it to end the way it did, but I knew it wasn’t meant to last.  I was pissed at first yes.  Okay, lets be honest, I stayed pissed.  How dare he just quit calling me like that?  No word, no explanation whatsoever.

And just after he had recently helped me with something I was having to deal with.

I had told a friend during the incident that I thought he was starting to feel something more for me than just a “fuck buddy”.  She agreed.

During this time in which I was not talking to him, I did something unexpected that he was not prepared for.    And he thanked me for it, and I said you’re welcome and that was it.  No other communication.

After about a month, I couldn’t take it any longer, it still pissed me off.

I contacted him.

And I asked him why he quit contacting me.

And he gave me his reasons.

And I accepted it at that time.

See, during our “fuck buddy” time, we did something that was unexpected.  We became friends.

So we became friends again after all was said and done.

The “flirtation” still went on, even though he is seeing someone and in a way, so am I.

The one night came and we were together talking.  And then it became more physical.   But he was in a bad way.  He had been dealing with a few different things in his life and he was confused.

And with the honesty I had always had with him and my blunt way of putting things, I told him.

I knew why he quit contacting me.

He started having more feelings for me.

And it freaked him out.

And when I told him this, he agreed with me.  He knew it.  He didn’t want to admit it.

And i still don’t think he wants to admit it.

But then again, maybe I don’t either.

I like this one guy I am hanging out with.  I really do.  There has never been any arguements between us, we enjoy a lot of the same things.  the sex is great.

But I have not been able to be completely open and honest with him.  Not like my 9 1/2 weeks guy.

And there is another guy who I have liked for a very long time.  Who I have been waiting for.   Waiting for him to get through his crap and be with me.  He is one who I keep saying I will give up all others for.  It’s just something I feel.

But then I wonder……..

Could I?

Could I never crave the 9 1/2 weeks guy again?

The other night something happened and it went further with the  9 1/2 weeks guy than it should have.

And I asked him why he did this.  And his response? “I don’t know.”

I know why.

He still wants me.  He has never stopped wanting me.  And I told him so.   But he didn’t respond.    But I know.  It’s just something I know.

I know I’m not ready for just one person.

As much as I want to be with just one guy, I know I can’t do that.

Not yet.

I see things in different guys that I want.
I haven’t found that one guy who has all I want.  If I could roll all those qualities up in one guy I would, but obviously that’s not possible.

And I wonder……….

Is he already there?

Is he right in front of me?

Am I just kidding myself?

Or am I just putting up a wall?

I don’t know.

But this is a good place to reflect on what I’m going through.
For starters……….

Searching

There are certain points in times during my chaotic life that I sit back and ponder.

What do I want?

I know what I want.  I want someone to love me that I can love back, that will accept me for who I am.  Someone who understands me.  Someone who wants me to succeed and will encourage me and support me.    Someone who will make me feel like I’m the only one for him.

 

I wonder who long I will have to be searching………..

Back to Facebook, Part 2

Shortly after I became separated, I met up with some friends that I haven’t seen in a long time.  My girlfriend and I hit it off like we had never been apart, never mind the fact that it had been years since we’ve seen each other.   We are friends on Facebook, so that definitely helps, but when you haven’t actually seen them in a while, you wonder if it’s going to be the same.

She is married and her husband really seems like a stand up guy   There for my friend, a great dad, etc.

And he is on Facebook too.

So let’s fast forward a bit to shortly after we all met up again.

I get an email from her husband.  He’s asking me a bit about my separation and I’m just telling him that I’m doing this on my own, trying to do it the best I can.  So then he tells me that I’m smart, outgoing, fun, good looking, sexy…….. ::::::::::::::::::brakes halting::::::::::::::::::::::::.   Wait…….did he just say “sexy”?????

Now, I don’t know about you, but a married man calling a friend sexy?  Ummm….isn’t that supposed to be a no-no?  Or maybe I’ve just been too “sheltered”???

Well, I just brush it off and thank him for the compliment and go on my merry way.

Fast forward about a month…..I’m out, hanging out on a Friday evening, just minding my own business when I see a text from him (yes he has my number but that was only because of when they came to visit).  He starts talking a bit more.  I find out he’s been drinking (yea BIG surprise, alcohol can definitely release your inhibitions, apparently).   And so he basically starts coming on to me!  Telling me that he’s been fantasizing about me ever since he saw me.  UMMMMM…….WHAT????!!!!!

REALLY???!!!!!!

And he keeps going on and on about it and how he would love to be with me, and that he would be able to get away for a while and fishing around to see if I’m interested in doing that.

Umm……………

Let me think………………..

Ummmm……………………

Yea…………………..

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

While now I truly enjoy the compliment (yea, so it did stroke my ego a bit, I admit it), there is NO WAY I would EVER be with a married man, and ESPECIALLY one who is married to one of my friends!!  I just have a rule about things like that.

I’m like, “WOW’……………..

So the next morning he sends me a message via Facebook saying that when he drinks he pushes things to the ultimate, and while he DID mean all the things he said, he would never act on it.

Oh please, that is UTTER BULLSHIT!  I know that if, given the opportunity, and I gave a “green light” he’d be on my doorstep ready to fuck me.  Guys don’t say shit like that and say they would never “act” on it.

I talked to him about it more and he was saying that he just wanted more excitement in his life.  Ummm…..well that’s great buddy but don’t be coming looking for it with me.

If I’m going to have sex (and believe me I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO want to, I’ve never been hornier in my life than I am right now), it’s certainly not going to be with a married man and it’s CERTAINLY not going to be with a married man who is my friend’s HUSBAND!

Now, you ask, did I tell my friend about it?

No.

While some people probably think I should, it’s not something I want to get heavily involved in.  I’ve got enough shit going on in my life right now, I don’t need to get involved in anyway, someone else’s shit.  Maybe I feel a little bit guilty too because him saying all that to me did stroke my ego a little bit, and when you are going back out in the dating world after not being in it for a while, sometimes you need your ego stroked a little bit.

Trying to Understand Men All Over Again

So okay.

I’m back out in the dating world I guess you could say.

And so far, most of the men I have “met” have actually been online and I haven’t even really met them in person.    So I guess it’s almost easier in a way to talk to them when you think about it.  You just take it as what they type and read into it however you want.  That may sound harder, but meeting a guy in person and THEN doing the talking/texting thing?  Not as easy as you would think.

I met this guy through a mutual friend and we seem to hit it off.  But like any new guy, sometimes you don’t know what to think.  Or how they are acting.  What do they mean when they say this?  Or what do they mean when they say that?  They act one way when you are with them and then not sure how to take things when they talk to you via the internet or texting.  So for that reason, it’s hard for me to even discuss this guy until I can figure things out further.  I know I would like to get to know this guy better, but then I have to remind myself to not get so emotionally involved in everything and try to be “laid back”.  Which is such a hard thing for me to do.  I’m such an easy going person, but  I guess when it comes to guys that I like, something changes and I start wondering, “Well, does he like me?”  ”Is he just using me?”  UGH!!!!

I mean I’ve basically blown off another guy for this guy because I’m so interested in getting to know him.

Now, for the guy I’ve kind of blown off.

Never met him.  Definitely have had plans to meet him.  He is in another country right now doing work.  He’s an archeologist working on a project.  He comes home this weekend.  We had made plans to meet up and see.   But then a couple of things happened.  One, I met this other guy and he’s real.  He’s here.  I can look into his eyes face to face.  And I like what I like so far.

The other thing that happened?  This guy who is in another country right now started saying he loves me.    Really???  I mean really???  He’s never actually met me!  How in the hell could he say that?!   Do I come across THAT well in IM’s??   Or maybe this guy is just REALLY, REALLY lonely??  Well, I did find out that he really doesn’t have any friends (insert MAJOR RED FLAG), so that was like a “whoa”.  I mean, okay.  I’m not saying that everyone needs to have a lot of friends, but really?  Not to really have any?  One best friend and that’s it?  I don’t know, maybe I’m being “stuck up” for a lack of a better word.  

So I haven’t heard from him anymore as of yet and while I feel bad, because I think I would like to meet him, but my interest is in this other guy righ now.